“Let’s make some killer content”

-Harper Lee

Creative Mercenary

I cut my Crest Ultra-White®-branded teeth executing the most non-traditional work you can imagine. Usually because they couldn’t find anybody else to do it.

Below is a Whitman’s Sampler® of the knuckleballs people send me. If your project is even weirder than these, give me a call. I’m curious.

Cognex Annual Investor Report

CLIENT: Our machine vision company, Cognex, wants our annual SEC investor report to be a parody of Star Trek.
ME: What is machine vision?
CLIENT: It scans parts on assembly lines.
ME: Like Laverne & Shirley’s job at the brewery?
CLIENT: No.
Cognex received a “Captain’s Log” chronicling their year’s ups and downs in language that entertains fans (and non-fans) of Star Trek while also adhering to strict SEC guidelines for financial reporting.

Forward Health: Selling Sunset

CLIENT: We’re a tech startup that will revolutionize our broken health insurance industry. And that revolution starts with a parody of Selling Sunset set in a hospital room.
ME: I have no follow up questions.
RESULT: Folks, I only write the words
The client assured me they were very happy.

AT&T’s “Just Okay” Statcast

CLIENT: AT&T’s “Just Okay Is Not Okay” campaign is going to have this digital component where banner ads show unhelpful college football statistics during games.
ME: How many fake stats do you need?
CLIENT: Um…just sit at a desk for two weeks and keep coming up with them. There’s water in the kitchen.
I produced 1,000 different fake stats, and 220 million impressions later consumers everywhere were reminded that AT&T is at least the second best of our nation’s three major telecom companies.

Anonymous Skincare Mascot

CLIENT: We want our mascot, [REDACTED], to eventually have their own tv show. Can you develop them?
ME: Yes. Do you have any other parameters?
CLIENT: No…should we?
Stay tuned for whenever [REDACTED] hits Netflix!

Ghostwriting TikToks for Bands

CLIENT: Our indie music label’s musicians need to post funny stuff to TikTok, but they’re not funny. Can you do it for them?
ME: Is this for Bruce Springsteen?
CLIENT: No he is quite literally the only musician who doesn’t have to do this bullshit.
Unfortunately, I cannot tell you who I wrote for or what they posted. But broadly speaking it was original comedy bits that tied into the musician’s brand.

Tattoo Zoo Stuffed Animals

CLIENT: We make stuffed animals screenprinted with tattoos designed by our favorite artists. Can you write funny character backstories for all of them?
ME: I’d pretty much only turn down tobacco and gun work.
I wrote up about 15 biographies of these stuffed animals, and any one of them can be yours for $39.99